[UA] Travelogue

Fri May 21 11:57:07 PDT 2004

I stayed at a cabin in Gatlinburg several times as a kid. I remember the town as
being a mecca of Ripley's Believe It or Not, airbrush t-shirt shops, and
marbletop fudge stores. It was heaven for a twelve year old. And yes, I played
at Hillbilly Golf. It was quite the slice of ticky-tacky tourist Americana.

Quoting Thuvasa3 <thuvasa3 at yahoo.com>:

> As promised--
>
> I've done a lot of travelling recently.  My first trip
> was a brief stay in a cabin (what used to be called a
> "chalet") in Gatlinburg, TN.  The Gatlinburg portion
> of my travels weren't overtly occult, but they have
> that sleazy humanity feel that I think goes with UA.
> You may skip to Birmingham if you're not interested in
> Gatlinburg.
>
> Gatlinburg is an interesting place right now. It's
> going through a land boom (sort of, my timeshare
> experience is coming up, while at the same time really
> starting to show it's age.  The weird thing about it
> is that there are certain attractions/tourists traps I
> remember from childhood that continue to thrive while
> obviously newer enterprises are failing left and
> right.
>
> The picture you need to get here is of aging
> attractions--Hillybilly Golf, a replica of Cooter's
> gas station from the Dukes of Hazzard, an endless
> assortment of mini-golf places, all looking old,
> looking dirty.  Many of them are in 70's colors,
> browns and oranges.  Next to them, you have closed new
> attractions.  Recently built [Adjective] Golf sits
> deserted and pristine, while falling-down golf remains
> open and is crowded.
>
> Anyway, on to the timeshare.  In my defense, I'd
> always wanted to go through a timeshare presentation,
> just for the experience of it.  I once pretended to be
> drunk and let a carnie game worker fleece me for like
> $40 for the same reason.  Anyway, we go to this time
> share place.  It's a falling down condo.  The schtick
> they're using is that they're development company just
> bought it out, it will be upgraded, they're building
> another building, blah blah.  They went through the
> rigamarole about how we could pay a small fee and use
> our timeshare anywhere in the world.  They went thru
> the new points system.  When it was clear we weren't
> buying, our sales guy goes guys to get someone from QA
> (as if this guy is going to do some sort of
> performance review on him).  When he gets back, they
> both go into the hard sell.  The QA guy's name was
> Lou.  He looked straight mob.  Pinstripe shirt,
> suspendors, tie.  Mustache shaved down from the top so
> as to form a pencil thin line just above his lip.
> Hair dyed jet black and slicked back with some sort of
> Dapper Dan type stuff.  He was wearing a gold and
> diamond ring approximately 2 in by 1 in.  It was
> textured gold, with diamond chips all around the edge,
> and about a quarter carat stone right in the middle.
> The funny part--super thick, slightly feminine,
> Tennessee accent.
>
> Come to find out, these jokers were selling timeshares
> in Florida.  They told us at one point everyone "over
> there" was a buyer.  Turned out we soon ended up "over
> there" (oh yeah, their pitch office was a doublewide),
> and "all those people" were non-buyers doing their
> exit interview (and incidentally getting paid for
> their time).
>
> Shortly thereafter, we were out of there, $80 the
> richer.  On a humerous note, they had also promised a
> "coupon book full of hundreds of dollars worth of
> savings."  The book was the same kind you get free at
> a tourist center, and all the coupons were expired.
> :D
>
> Anyway, UA-wise, I'm thinking this is a perfect
> demonstration of using the Dixie Mafia.  How they
> work, etc.  Complete with Lou, a ready-made character
> for the aspiring game master.
>
> A final note about the "cabins."  They're actually log
> houses (surprisingly nice, really), but, instead of
> being built somewhat remotely in the mountains, the
> cabins are in a neighborhood type thing these days.
> Ours had three TVs (one of which was a big screen), an
> air hockey table, a pool table, a grill, hot tub, you
> get the idea.  We're not talking "secluded" or "plain"
> living these days.
>
> On to Birmingham.  I was in Birmingham, Alabama for a
> week for work.  On the way there, at the first rest
> stop after coming into Alabama, is a rocket.  Be it
> replica or decomissioned I don't know (we didn't
> stop).  Once you're in to Birmingham, you find some
> weird stuff.  Weird thing number one--Vulcan.  There
> is a huge cast-iron statue of Vulcan on a pillar.
>
> http://www.vulcanpark.org/
> http://www.thewisegardener.com/Vulcan_The_Colossus_of_Birmingham.htm
>
> Downtown, right off the campus of UAB, is Five Points
> South, a sort of trendy shopping district.  Five
> Points is a weird place.  If for no other reason,
> because there is no Five Points North.  There's a
> picture here of Five Points ca. 1900.
>
> http://www.jdweeks.com/postcd2.html
>
> Here is a more modern view.  Note the mention of the
> statue, The Storyteller.
>
> http://www.bcvb.org/ttd-attractions-detail.asp?ID=0231578
>
> I ate at that little restaurant in the picture by the
> way.  It's not great.  Anyway, there, chained off from
> the outside eating area of the restaurant (cleverly
> named The Grill), is a statue of a preacher, looking
> up towards the heavens--sort of.  He takes a weird,
> sort of "over the shoulder" view of the sky, in the
> general direction of a huge methodist church that is
> also in Five Points.
>
> I'm getting ahead of myself.  There are five streets
> that come together at Five Points.  In the center of
> the intersection is the statue, The Storyteller.  The
> statue/fountain is of Pan, (or Baphomet?  he has a
> full on goat's head), sitting on a mushroom, reading
> out of a book to animals.  Right behind it is the
> massive Methodist Church.  The statue of the preacher
> is over to the left.  Using the front of the statue to
> orient, the whole area makes a giant
> pentacle/pentagram (depending on your parlance of
> preference).  The Grill occupies one spot closest, and
> a tiny police station occupies another (across the
> street from The Grill).  The Police station has a
> plexi window with holes in it, much like some bank
> windows.  There's room for a single policeman.  In
> front of it sits a strange vehicle that looks like a
> combination of the Pope-mobile and a golf cart.  It
> only has one wheel in the front.  Two stores down from
> that is Bohemian Rhapsody, a head shop with T-shirts
> (still has leftover Star Wars: Episode 1 tie dyes),
> bongs, pipes, hookas, and an odd smattering witty
> bumper stickers and sex toys.  They also had local
> alternative newspapers, some of which were in Spanish.
>
> It seems like there's something else, but I've
> forgotten it.  Luckily, I saved my touristy garbage
> they gave us so I'd have something to refer back to.
>
> Anyway, you've got the Dixie mob, a sleezy character,
> and now three weird places (counting the rocket), to
> go to.
>
> enjoy!
>
> Jonathan
>
>
>
>
>
>
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--
<- John Tynes - john at tynes.com - http://www.JohnTynes.com/ ->
"The greatest luxury, beyond price, would be to have
just one crisis at a time." --Hazel Blackwell