[UA] Travelogue

[Thuvasa3]

As promised--

I've done a lot of travelling recently.  My first trip
was a brief stay in a cabin (what used to be called a
"chalet") in Gatlinburg, TN.  The Gatlinburg portion
of my travels weren't overtly occult, but they have
that sleazy humanity feel that I think goes with UA. 
You may skip to Birmingham if you're not interested in
Gatlinburg.

Gatlinburg is an interesting place right now. It's
going through a land boom (sort of, my timeshare
experience is coming up, while at the same time really
starting to show it's age.  The weird thing about it
is that there are certain attractions/tourists traps I
remember from childhood that continue to thrive while
obviously newer enterprises are failing left and
right. 

The picture you need to get here is of aging
attractions--Hillybilly Golf, a replica of Cooter's
gas station from the Dukes of Hazzard, an endless
assortment of mini-golf places, all looking old,
looking dirty.  Many of them are in 70's colors,
browns and oranges.  Next to them, you have closed new
attractions.  Recently built [Adjective] Golf sits
deserted and pristine, while falling-down golf remains
open and is crowded.

Anyway, on to the timeshare.  In my defense, I'd
always wanted to go through a timeshare presentation,
just for the experience of it.  I once pretended to be
drunk and let a carnie game worker fleece me for like
$40 for the same reason.  Anyway, we go to this time
share place.  It's a falling down condo.  The schtick
they're using is that they're development company just
bought it out, it will be upgraded, they're building
another building, blah blah.  They went through the
rigamarole about how we could pay a small fee and use
our timeshare anywhere in the world.  They went thru
the new points system.  When it was clear we weren't
buying, our sales guy goes guys to get someone from QA
(as if this guy is going to do some sort of
performance review on him).  When he gets back, they
both go into the hard sell.  The QA guy's name was
Lou.  He looked straight mob.  Pinstripe shirt,
suspendors, tie.  Mustache shaved down from the top so
as to form a pencil thin line just above his lip. 
Hair dyed jet black and slicked back with some sort of
Dapper Dan type stuff.  He was wearing a gold and
diamond ring approximately 2 in by 1 in.  It was
textured gold, with diamond chips all around the edge,
and about a quarter carat stone right in the middle. 
The funny part--super thick, slightly feminine,
Tennessee accent.

Come to find out, these jokers were selling timeshares
in Florida.  They told us at one point everyone "over
there" was a buyer.  Turned out we soon ended up "over
there" (oh yeah, their pitch office was a doublewide),
and "all those people" were non-buyers doing their
exit interview (and incidentally getting paid for
their time).  

Shortly thereafter, we were out of there, $80 the
richer.  On a humerous note, they had also promised a
"coupon book full of hundreds of dollars worth of
savings."  The book was the same kind you get free at
a tourist center, and all the coupons were expired. 
:D

Anyway, UA-wise, I'm thinking this is a perfect
demonstration of using the Dixie Mafia.  How they
work, etc.  Complete with Lou, a ready-made character
for the aspiring game master.

A final note about the "cabins."  They're actually log
houses (surprisingly nice, really), but, instead of
being built somewhat remotely in the mountains, the
cabins are in a neighborhood type thing these days. 
Ours had three TVs (one of which was a big screen), an
air hockey table, a pool table, a grill, hot tub, you
get the idea.  We're not talking "secluded" or "plain"
living these days.

On to Birmingham.  I was in Birmingham, Alabama for a
week for work.  On the way there, at the first rest
stop after coming into Alabama, is a rocket.  Be it
replica or decomissioned I don't know (we didn't
stop).  Once you're in to Birmingham, you find some
weird stuff.  Weird thing number one--Vulcan.  There
is a huge cast-iron statue of Vulcan on a pillar.  

http://www.vulcanpark.org/ 
http://www.thewisegardener.com/Vulcan_The_Colossus_of_Birmingham.htm

Downtown, right off the campus of UAB, is Five Points
South, a sort of trendy shopping district.  Five
Points is a weird place.  If for no other reason,
because there is no Five Points North.  There's a
picture here of Five Points ca. 1900. 

http://www.jdweeks.com/postcd2.html

Here is a more modern view.  Note the mention of the
statue, The Storyteller.

http://www.bcvb.org/ttd-attractions-detail.asp?ID=0231578

I ate at that little restaurant in the picture by the
way.  It's not great.  Anyway, there, chained off from
the outside eating area of the restaurant (cleverly
named The Grill), is a statue of a preacher, looking
up towards the heavens--sort of.  He takes a weird,
sort of "over the shoulder" view of the sky, in the
general direction of a huge methodist church that is
also in Five Points.  

I'm getting ahead of myself.  There are five streets
that come together at Five Points.  In the center of
the intersection is the statue, The Storyteller.  The
statue/fountain is of Pan, (or Baphomet?  he has a
full on goat's head), sitting on a mushroom, reading
out of a book to animals.  Right behind it is the
massive Methodist Church.  The statue of the preacher
is over to the left.  Using the front of the statue to
orient, the whole area makes a giant
pentacle/pentagram (depending on your parlance of
preference).  The Grill occupies one spot closest, and
a tiny police station occupies another (across the
street from The Grill).  The Police station has a
plexi window with holes in it, much like some bank
windows.  There's room for a single policeman.  In
front of it sits a strange vehicle that looks like a
combination of the Pope-mobile and a golf cart.  It
only has one wheel in the front.  Two stores down from
that is Bohemian Rhapsody, a head shop with T-shirts
(still has leftover Star Wars: Episode 1 tie dyes),
bongs, pipes, hookas, and an odd smattering witty
bumper stickers and sex toys.  They also had local
alternative newspapers, some of which were in Spanish.

It seems like there's something else, but I've
forgotten it.  Luckily, I saved my touristy garbage
they gave us so I'd have something to refer back to.  

Anyway, you've got the Dixie mob, a sleezy character,
and now three weird places (counting the rocket), to
go to.  

enjoy!

Jonathan

 


	
		
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